Written on 3/27/96
Orgasmic jubilance mutates to
Frustrated apathy in seconds.
Long gone are the times of
Infinite laughter and
Hic-up filled breaths.
I enter into a
Sorrow-filled state of oblivion and
Confused turmoil,
Forgetting that I was once happy.
Written on 4/18/96
Three balls thrown into the air,
Patterns so complex and confusing
To those who watch.
I understand their intricacies;
They float under my command.
Together, we create visual beauty.
Agreeing, we exchange balls in a set pattern.
Yet gravity looms beneath the surface;
The evil demon causes destruction.
Under His spell, no ball can continue
To soar nor to achieve.
Organization mutates to chaos;
Happiness mutates to frustration.
No longer one mind, one heart, nor one
Choice, we fall out of sync.
The balls come crashing down,
Destroying our separate peace.
I return to my solitary pastime;
I don't need a companion
With problems.
He cannot control me;
I will not allow myself to suffer his wrath.
Watch my graceful movements;
I am doing fine alone.
Sustaining balls in motion,
I am free.
Written on 5/9/96
I.
As a small child, I envisioned you,
On those lonely nights when sleep would not come.
You, with angelic wings and a bright light
Emanating from within;
You, intelligent but humble,
Filled with love, reserved for me.
Hand-in-hand we would walk down the sand,
Carefree and joyous.
Our swift gait would transform into a dance;
We would sway back and forth to the music of our love,
Untouched by enmity and fear.
II.
Now you're here;
You flew out of my fantasies and into my
World of reality.
But where are the fireworks?
Where is the dancing?
We sit by the bar, swallowing out subdued
Desires with Rumple Minze and
Laugh silently.
You are the one;
You are him,
The man from my dreams.
Walk with me, down to the cool sands.
We'll fly; we'll dance; we'll laugh out loud
For all of them to hear.
Let our laughter reverberate throughout town;
Like the new clock's chimes,
Our newfound ecstasy echoes in my life.
We feign apathy, yet our true emotions
Seep out through the cracks and tears in my flesh.
Still, your soul, lying on the kitchen table
Like a grilled cheese sandwich
Tastes wrong.
Did you use Longhorn Colby cheese?
I prefer American.
III.
I suppose I should return to my dream-world now.
The bags under my cold eyes beg to be lifted.
I need to clear my mind alone;
Don't tell me when to sleep.
I need my friends;
Let them be with us.
I need you to understand my needs.
Stay with me until I understand them
Myself.
Written on 10/16/96
trust every embrace from him
blind kisses linger after he melts away
secrets devour angels with
translucent circles of fire
know he remembers your perfume
Written on 10/21/96
(First line by Dana Grasso)
change is mostly missing yesterday
days come and go
time haunts our universe with
a rhythm of desires
seeping into the ghostly breeze
only a pool of laughter
speaks after your voice decays
Written on 12/17/96
gentle desires blend your whispers with my confessions
while moonlit webs of dusty silhouettes
breathe infinite fragrances
daylight rains with silent emptiness
as desperate indigo dreams emerge
Written on 9/4/97
Caught in the sticky web,
I yearn to break free.
Twisting and turning
Before sleep embraces me,
Pushing and squeezing
Through the oddly shaped crevices,
While buzzing insects swarm around me.
He tugs on my left arm;
She tugs on my right,
And I remain trapped between their worlds.
Decisions, choices,
Freedom exists,
Yet I have no one to turn to.
Their advice means nothing,
For they are not caught in my net.
Tangled up in blue,
I resist the urge to jump
From my fence.
It's comfortable here-
No chain links, barbed wire, nor fence posts,
Smooth, even satiny.
She looks up at me,
Eyes wide with wonder,
But I know she's looking down.
His eyes never meet mine,
As he stares through the hole
At her.
The breeze kisses me,
The sun goes down,
And I fight to stay in control.
My back aches,
My clenched fists yearn to open, and
My throat is sore from hurling defenses.
I jump down reluctantly;
My knees sink from the impact.
They walk away,
No longer captivated by my resistance.
I retreat into my own dimension,
Where fences don't exist, and
They all hold hands.
I join them;
We now walk together.
Written on 11/13/97
An empty longing provides more comfort than
The knowledge of security.
Reaching out towards the filling of my soul and
Desiring substance remains static.
Dynamic interpersonal relationships flow as the
Ocean, lifting me up, and then tossing me under the waves.
Our decaying heap of emptiness soothes me, and I want to
Believe.
Written on 12/17/97
Like oobleck
(which is really only cornstarch and water),
My solid life mutates to liquid in seconds.
All that remains is the residue of life,
A sticky substance on my hands.
I long to wash it off,
Cleanse myself of these categories.
But even the soap of love cannot purify me--
It cannot even wash away my salty tears,
Dripping down my chin,
Blurring the paper
Of my life.
Written on 2/3/98
Days pass me by as age takes hold of me.
Monotony subverts excitement and
Destroys any glint of a smile.
I dream of flying--
The breeze tickles my skin, while
I whirl and twirl and giggle.
I grab hold of this image with both hands,
Eyes wide open,
Drawing the story of how hard I try.
But no one can touch me;
They're all stuck in their
Terrestrial commitments,
While I'm drifting above.
I try to understand them,
(I give them three months,)
But apathy inevitably controls me,
Sitting like graffiti on my body.
Weighted down by earthly experiences,
I begin to fall,
Slowly at first,
Then faster,
Until I have no choice
But to submit to
Conformity.
Written on 3/4/98
You sit across the room,
Smiling at me,
Inviting my gaze.
I reciprocate,
Meeting your stare,
Curving my lips upward,
Then looking away.
I'm busy;
I don't need this;
I can't have this shared moment with you.
But my mind longs for stimulation,
My body yearns for companionship,
And my heart desires attention.
I slowly lift my hand,
Tentative and cautious,
Reaching out towards you.
With more certainty,
I extend my arm further
And further,
But I can't reach you.
You're too far in the distance;
Only a fool could dream of touching you.
Embarrassed and ashamed,
I pull back my hand,
Retreating into the core of my soul.
I glance up once more,
To view you for the last time,
But you've already escaped me.
My eyes focus on the empty chair
Where you once sat,
And I shudder,
Remembering my solitude.
I'm a forest fire to relationships,
I try to tell myself.
I'm better off alone,
I force myself to remember.
I don't need anyone or anything,
I recite repeatedly.
Maybe I simply need someone to
Convince me of my own certainty.
Written on 4/29/98
Trio or Duet?
"A glance held long, and a stolen kiss
This is how I remember you best."
Words exchanged,
Over mocha-tinged warmth and
A cool breeze.
Free flowing speech,
Connection and comfort.
Shadows darken your face,
But not your soul.
Glancing at me,
Then quickly looking away.
Letting me see you,
Then averting my gaze.
Outer chills can't compete
With my inner heat.
My reflection lies in your
Curved mirror,
Slightly distorted, yet
Similar images inside.
Time is relative;
Clocks fail to exist.
Expectations are forgotten;
Only we matter.
A world of tables
Behind a cafe
Houses our desires.
The soprano, alto, and tenor
Create beauty in voice;
We create beauty in mind.
Written on 8/14/98
This poem was inspired by SARK.
rebirth
i wish i were an artist;
the desire to sprinkle my canvas
with bits of color here and there
tempts me.
i want something other than
haphazard marks
(like multiple choice guesses)
to dominate my masterpiece.
thinking of love gone awry,
i sit,
knees pulled to my chest,
alone.
loneliness, so trite and worn
soothes the emptiness inside.
loneliness, emptiness,
synonyms in feeling but not meaning.
if i could paint,
create beauty in design,
perhaps i would be consumed with emotion.
i could splatter-paint maybe,
throw the cold pieces of my heart
at a blank screen,
in the hope that life could spring anew
from my battered walls of existence.
i love the idea of love,
but fear the despair of its clenches.
as an artist,
i'd be cool, calm, and collected,
yet not a cliche.
sex calls to me,
begging and inviting me
to taste its desires.
a one night stand,
a love-at-first-sight,
a meaningful relationship,
they're all the same.
my soggy tears drown my face,
while sitting behind the facade of
dry eyelids,
implying that i'm fine.
but i'm not alright,
i'm shaking and moaning inside,
not writhing in passion,
but in pain.
i close my eyes in an attempt to
drown out the world that spits on me,
but it's a wasted effort.
drained, exhausted,
i release my frustrations
with a pack of crayolas and
some construction paper.
i color furiously,
scribbling my emotions down for posterity,
praying they'll survive the fire of time
and rise like the phoenix.
rejuvinated,
i ascend from my own ashes,
mouth wide open,
singing a familiar melody,
arms flailing about in ecstasy,
welcoming strangers.
my naked body calls to all in view,
"take me, take me now, take me here!"
Written on 10/11/98
Feelings in hibernation for years
Slept contenty,
Submerged deep within my being.
Seldomly acknowledging them
(For fear of explosion and destruction),
I convinced myself that
They no longer existed.
Simple contact with you
Set the lava flowing and
Ashes spewing.
Now desires bubble over,
Filling the core of my body,
Dangerously teetering at my mouth.
I force my lips together,
Refusing to let the words escape,
But their pressure weakens me.
Flames burst forth from my lips
Uncontrollably.
I shake and shudder with
Each volcanic eruption,
Begging it to cease,
Yet fearing its conclusion.
What would you say if you knew?
Written on 12/3/98
The dark room houses my desires,
Tucks them away in a drawer,
Unseen by all, even myself.
Sweet nymphs flit about,
Dancing and singing in glory,
Protecting my hopes and
Exposing my pain.
Outside threats like white noise
Drown out my sobs of fear,
And my cries of ecstasy.
I refuse limitations on myself,
Placed by a western civilization
That seeks to contain iconoclasts.
"All things give way; nothing remainith,"
Calls a noble voice of reason,
Solemnly mourning my decision to leave.
Heraclitus, I hear you.
Written on 8/3/00
Center of the Universe
This room—
This room I've lived in for so long
Looks hazy through aged eyes and knowing glances.
Colorful walls turn to blank stares
While space shrinks to dust.
Things don't change. People change things.
Life begets change;
New people, new places, new opportunity.
"The land of opportunity," Lady Liberty calls.
Honks, thieves, tastes, hobos—
All feast together amidst the rumble and the rubble.
Bright lights, big city, sea of faces, open sea,
New world, new land, new life.
I eagerly await the future.
Written in 10/00
"The righteous hurry past,
They don't hear the little ones crying,
And the winter is coming on fast,
Ready to kill."
I put together the pieces of yet another
Monolithic heap of power.
(The dust of mankind
Fuels the future of society.)
Carrying goat cheese pizza
And melted brie,
The food of the rich,
Nectar of the Gods.
I pause for a moment,
Appraising my hunger.
A man passes,
Head bent over,
Eyes looking downward,
Feet stumbling with the subway's motion.
He says he's not above accepting food,
Says he's hungry,
Says he has a family.
My blank stare reveals it all:
I have none to spare.
Why do I look straight ahead
When a man is in need?
The machine won't start,
The keyboard's not loaded,
Her beeping toys pound in my ears.
My hands won't move,
Life stands still,
He's silent.
One more solitary life
Wasted away while greedy children
Play with toys too dominant
For their own good.
My teammate asks who won the contest,
As if it ever was a contest at all.
As if someone could win the game.
I tell him, It's all a game.
Life is a game. Everyone knows that.
His fingers are stuck in his ears.
He can't hear my declarations.
He will never understand the man's solitude.
I drone on and on,
Trying to make him see the truth,
But it's a failed attempt.
He's still asking who won.
Written on 4/27/01
Is this what it means to be an adult?
Walking through the underground tunnels alone,
Relying on instinct (or merely guesses) to dictate all moves.
Rewards come easily and quickly to me tonight.
Why is tonight different from all other nights?
They say these people are unfriendly, but they don't know,
They haven't seen what I've seen.
Alone in these caves, I have to trust them
Or live my life in fear.
A smile offers protection from the cold outside on this warm spring night.
Tumbling through the darkness at full speed,
Crossing invisible borders under rivers that rise and swell with the currents,
I feel the power inside me, the confidence and security
That lets me know I have arrived.
Silence in thought, yet external sounds resonate throughout,
Calling to us all.
Today I am a woman; today I am strong.
Written on 8/18/01
I want to capture you like this,
Right now, right here.
Let me frame your face with light,
Etch your skin in time.
Forever only lasts when
I can bring a piece of you home.
My mind replays your essence
In slow motion--play, rewind, play, rewind,
Until the only taste of you that remains is old, stale--
The forgotten piece of candy left in my drawer:
Cruel, bland, lonely.
I retrace my steps to where we
Loved in secret, hidden in the shadows,
Desperately silent, afraid to be discovered.
Let me release you from my thoughts,
Enter a reality where memories are not embellished,
And you are in my life.